Mike and Edward Sitting in a Tree
by asper295
Summary: Edward loses a bet. What will Emmett force him to do? How is Alice involved? Where is Bella? And what does Mike have to do with anything? Hilarity ensues. Slightly OOC. Canon pairings. Set after twilight but pre-new moon.
1. Wanna Bet?

_Chapter 1: Wanna Bet?_

**Disclaimer: I might be pretty**

** I might be witty**

** I might own the world**

** According to my daddy's credit card**

** Though as sad as it will always be**

** These characters are property **

** of Stephanie Meyer.**

**Hehe. that made no sense. plus that was all lies, well except for the part about twilight and the characters belonging to SM. carry on.**

**Well we might be pretty, and we are certainly witty.......**

**yep there are three crazy people on this account.**

EPOV

As I glided among the trees heading back to my house, I glanced up to see the darkness break around me and the sun peak through the horizon. I was awestruck at the color that danced around the sun. As if Mother Nature was painting beautiful pinks, purples, yellows, and oranges on the sky. Although breathtaking, I could not focus on the dazzling sunrise, as I was still thinking about my Bella. I thought back with my photographic memory to the first day we met; her milk chocolate eyes fitting perfectly into her heart shaped face. Her delightful smell intoxicating my every sense. I stepped through our door to find my brother, Emmett, watching a game of football.

His mind was completely and utterly focused on the game. He made corrections of what the Raiders were doing wrong as he watched.

_No__,__ pass to the left, no the left!! COME ON!! I told you to pass to the left!_

Although I knew Emmett heard me come in, his eyes remained glued to the screen.

I was in a hurry; every second longer I took was a second that I could spend with Bella. I attempted to run up to my room and change clothes when I heard Emmett snort.

"God damn it Edward! Why don't you just leave that poor girl alone! You couldn't stay away from her for a day," Emmett threw at me with a playful edge.

Of course I knew what he was going to say before he spoke it, but I swear Emmett liked to hear the sound of his own voice.

I started to protest, raising my counter defense. "If it was necessary and what Bella wanted I could."

"Oh, you're right Edward. Her being almost killed by vampires was just a light event," he stated, as began to roar with laughter.

"I COULD STAY AWAY FROM HER!" I snarled.

"Dare to test that theory, dear brother?" Emmett teased.

I searched for Alice with my mind, hoping to use my powers to my advantage. "Where is Alice, dear Emmett?" I mocked him.

Emmett snickered. "She left with Jasper on a hunting trip about an hour ago. Shame on you for wanting to cheat." He added with a scolding, maternal tone.

"DEAL." I curtly retorted. "You're on!"

Emmett raised his eyebrows and a smile shot across his face. "This is like cheating you. I almost feel bad... almost."

"Don't worry about me, I'll be fine" I replied with a smile.

"I wouldn't be so sure about that, you are going to get a hell of a punishment."

I cocked my head to the side drawing a confused expression across my face "What are you talking about, you mean when _you_ lose _you_ are going to get a hell of a punishment." And with that I ran at vampire speed up to my room, got changed and returned back within five seconds.

"Now if you will excuse me I am going to pick up . . ." I froze . . . ah.

Emmett laughed. "Not so easy is it Edward, already feel like giving up?"

I took a deep breath and suddenly heard Alice. Her _voice _was in a mocking tone.

_Edward__,__ what have you done?_

Just then Alice stumbled through the door laughing with Jasper at her side sending off radiant bursts of humor.

I heard what Alice had _seen_ and groaned. Emmett was right; this was going to be a punishment from hell.

I struggled to compose my face with Jasper sending off waves of hysterics. Emmett was already out. I drew a blank expression onto my face with great difficulty, grabbed my keys to the Volvo and said, "If I'm going to cave, I might as well do it thoroughly."

So with my dignity still intact--for now, I left with Alice, Jasper, and Emmett all shaking with laughter on the floor of the family room.

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	2. My Personal Hell

Chapter 2: My Personal Hell

_Previously… Edward and Emmett make a bet about Edward being able to stay away from Bella for an entire day, and Alice foresees Edward losing. Now Edward has to face the music and his punishment! _

**Disclaimer:**

**Edward is my name  
mind reading is my game  
I have bronze hair  
and I don't play fair  
Stephanie Meyer had a dream and created me  
so my family and friends are all of her property **

EPOV

_This is going to be so bad. I wonder if there's anywhere I can hide. No… Alice will see where I'm going. Ugh. Stupid psychic powers._

Driving home from Bella's house, I thought about the torture that lie ahead. All through school today, I had to listen to my siblings' ideas on my punishment for caving and spending time with Bella. At lunch, Emmett made the final decision and told me of my horrifying fate.

_***Flashback***_

_Okay, Edward, so here's what you're going to do, _Emmett thought.

_You are to let Alice dress you up as a girl, go to Mike Newton's house, and ask him out. Oh, and Alice has free reign anything she says that will make this experience more . . . believable . . . goes. Now, because I love you, my dear brother, I will not make you actually go on the date with Mikey if he accepts. Also, because I think it will be funny to see his face fall when he shows up and you're not there. Hahaha. That'll be good stuff. Good stuff… Um, er--- anyways. So, you're girl name will be… er… let me think… uh… Edwina. Yeah, that's gold. Edwina haha. Your punishment begins when you get home today._

_***End of Flashback***_

Walking up to the doorstep, I once again considered running.

_No—don't do it. Be a man, Edward. Wait, you aren't a man… you're a vampire. Okay, be a manly vampire. This will all be over soon enough. _

The second I stepped through the door, Emmett restrained me.

"You aren't escaping, Eddie boy," he snickered. "You're mine now."

"Emmett, let me go. Alice would know if I was going to try to run, now wouldn't she? And she wouldn't let me get away with that… she's going to have far too much fun dressing me up for that. You haven't heard her thoughts…" I shuddered.

"Alright, alright," he said, loosening his grip, "you're free. But no funny stuff, or I'll have Bella come along to see you make a date with Mikey."

"You wouldn't," I snarled.

"Oh, but I would."

Gah. Bella could not know about this. I should imply to Bella that she should spend the weekends at Jake's house. Although I was far from liking that dog at least she would not be around for my 'trip to funkytown' as Emmett called it.

"Fine, I'll be a good little cross-dresser. Now, where's Alice? Let's get this over with before I try to tie you up and run."

"Heeere," Alice sang as she danced into the room. "Okay, Edward, I've picked out some clothes, accessories, makeup, . . ." While she continued to ramble on I began to mentally prepare myself for the soon to be torture. I was snapped from my trance when she cheered, "So let's get this party started," jumping up and down and clapping.

"Woo," I replied sarcastically.

"Pfft. Boys," she snorted, then grabbed my arm and yanked me up the stairs.

_Two Hours Later…_

"Alice, there isn't _possibly _anything else you could do to me! Just let me go!" I shrieked, scrambling out of Alice's huge pink bathroom.

"Nooo! Wait! I haven't done your blush yet! GET BACK HERE!" she shrieked and swatted at me. I dodged out of the way and darted into my room. Gosh. I'm so lucky I'm the fastest.

Just then, out of the corner of my vision, I saw a brilliant flash. Turning around, I saw a large figure holding a digital camera.

Shoot. Emmett found me.

"Well, well. Doesn't Edwina look gorgeous?" he announced, much to my displeasure. I was pissed.

"Screw you," I said, placing my hand on my hip, leaning—whoah! What was I doing?

Once again, I saw Emmett taking a few more pictures. I was so lucky I was a vampire. If I was a human, I would have been as red as a tomato by now.

"Emmett, can we just get this over with?" I pleaded, looking down. This was demeaning enough without Emmett's little jokes.

"Yeah, yeah, alright," he said, clapping his hands together, "let's go make little Mikey drool!"

**Whoo. so that was chapter two. We will continue to update as soon as possible, but don't pressure me!!! *peer pressure is bad....peer pressure....* she chanted to herself. hehe.**

**okay, so PLEASE REVIEW!!! If you don't we'll make Edward dump Bella for Mike!!! yes *mwuaahhh!!* er..uh.. sorry. the devious side of me was coming out.**

**okay, but please review for real! bye,**

**Thanks, **

**Dahlia, Evelyn, and Ava (ava wrote this chapter mainly!)**

**oh. and the last chapter is credit to evie. bye y'all!  
**


	3. Tired Feet and Instinct

**Sorry its taken so long to update. Writer's block sucks....**

**Disclaimer:**

**Alice is who I am  
I like to hang out with my vampire fam  
I see the future all the time  
And I like to make an awesome rhyme  
Stephenie Meyer created me  
And for this I'm super-happy  
So Dahlia, Evelyn, and Ava too  
Just wrote this story, not the characters, for you**

EPOV

As I drove over to Newton's house, I was fuming with anger at Alice. Yes, Alice. Not Emmett. I personally thought that Alice went a little overboard with my girly get-up, but I suppose I have no choice but to go along with it. She put me in a flimsy white floral dress and flat shoes, which felt really weird because they were so delicate that I had to be careful so as to not kick them off when I walked. Then she got some dangly clip-on earrings and a sparkly necklace to match--- UGH. She then dug up a shiny orange purse as an accessory--- much to my dismay. Along with all of the makeup, there was only one component left. The worst part of my outfit, or the best in Alice's opinion... a blonde wig, with curls down to my shoulders, side bangs and a pink headband to boot.** (AN - outfit on profile)** If vampires could be destroyed more easily, I'd be thinking about assassinating Alice right now.

I groaned as pulled up in from of Mike's house. Sitting there, I "listened" in on Mike's thoughts, and found that he was home alone. Perfect. I was ready to make my move.

EM POV

After running to Mike's house with Alice and Jasper, camera in hand, I found myself setting up the camera on recording setting at the right angle in front of the house, but out of Mike's view. I watched as Edward, or should I say Edwina, climbed out of _her_ precious Volvo, slamming the door with annoyance and shattering the window in the process. She walked up the long driveway, and stood on the doorstep. With a sigh, I watched her ring the doorbell twice. There was a long pause before Mike showed up at the door. At first glance of the lady standing in his doorway, his eyes widened. I wasn't sure if he was repulsed, or if he had taken a liking to my brother, I mean sister…wait. Sigh. This gender stuff is confusing.

EPOV

"Hey baby," Mike said, a smile forming across his face.

"Hey there hot stuff," I replied, imitating Rosalie as best as I could. "I'm new in town and though you could help me out," I said, running my hand up and down his deflated bicep.

"Of course," he responded as he began to giggle, his face turning up like an over inflated circus pony. His thoughts weren't pretty either . . . trust me. He opened the door wider, and motioned for me to come inside. I did a little curtsy with my dress, and entered the kitchen. I heard him say, "Welcome to my humble abode," while closing the door. God help me.

APOV

This was too freakin' good. I can't believe I was able to squeeze him into that dress though. I was holding back my laughter as I stood there next to Emmett with the camera and Jasper, who was holding back his own snickers. I nudged Emmett with my arm, as I knew Mike was going to invite him inside within the second. He picked up his equipment, and we walked around to back of the house. There we found a rather large window. _How convenient_ I thought to myself.

EPOV

I walked after Mike through the kitchen and noticed there were some pictures of Mike as a kid on the fridge. _Ha. What a momma's boy_, I thought still trying to hold in a chuckle. I quickly grabbed a picture of him last year hugging his mom in a pink bunny suit at the Easter Festival. I would give it to Emmett later. Yeah, I was getting payback at him for setting his sights on my Bella. I found myself in the spacious living room, but it was nowhere near as large as the one in our own house. Mike sat down on the couch, a glass of pink lemonade in hand, _very manly_, I thought.

"So, do your feet hurt? Cause you've been running through my mind." he questioned. After that line, it took all my energy to not snort and start laughing. Ahh. The irony. _Well thanks to a little gift of mine your sick, twisted, hubris, perverted, warped, deviant, depraved, corrupt, abnormal, unhealthy, aberrant, distorted, debauched, debase, and disturbed thoughts have been "running through my mind_" I thought to myself.

"Oh um yeah no. But I was at the local pub with a few friends, and someone said that you were quite the lady's man and that you know a great Mexican restaurant," I quickly replied, wanting to get this over with as soon as possible. Oh crap. I could see Emmett with a camera and Alice crowding the window behind the couch. Jasper was standing behind them, an amused look on his smug face. I tried to read their minds, but to no prevail; I found nothing useful. Emmett was literally thinking of _nothing_. And Alice was giggling in her head if that was even possible. And then I went to Jasper's mind, and I found him to be reciting some Civil War book in Swedish. Okay, now I knew he was up to something. I looked back to Mike, who had a bemused look oh his face.

"Um…what are you trying to imply love buckets?" he answered, still completely confused. I mentally smacked myself on the forehead. This kid is a douchbag. Wait . . . did he just call me love buckets?

"What I mean is would you like to go out sometime?" I hastily spat out, unsure if he actually heard me.

MPOV

I was in shock. This babe wanted to go out with me. Me, little ol' Mike Newton. _Well, why wouldn't she?_ I thought to myself. I am quite the man, I mean I exercised with one of my mom's workout tapes, _Buns of Steel_, yesterday for an hour because my buns were looking a bit saggy and I had to work off my thunder thighs. I was about to reply when all of a sudden a strong emotion began to rip through me like a blazing sharp knife. But this sensation did not hurt . . . it was rather nice. Could I be . . . in love?

I was utterly confused, but I was enjoying it. Rather abruptly I leaned in, ready for a kiss.

_Come to Mikey__,_ I thought as I closed my eyes.

JPOV

OMIGOD! This was so great. I had only come with Alice since she said my expertise was going to be needed, and how could I refuse my loving wife? But, frankly I was quite enjoying myself. I had just sent out a large wave of lust and love in Mike's direction, and now I was watching him pucker up, ready for a smooch. I was laughing so hard, that I wasn't even making sound. Edward's face was hilarious. I could sense confusion, anger, and a teeny bit of lust coming off of him. Ooops. I must have sent out a little too much to Mike, and some of it hit Edward. Or was that his feelings . . . This was absolutely brilliant. I looked over at my siblings, to find their face scrunched up in pain from keeping in their laughter. Alice was well as cute as always. Emmett though, was zooming in on the scene with the video recorder, and he looked like if it were possible, he would have soiled himself by now. I was so getting brownie points for this one.

I continued to observe the scene playing out in front of me, and saw Edward had composed himself. Due to my vampire hearing, I could catch every word they were saying.

"Oh gosh, look at the time," Edward practically yelled, his curls in his wig bouncing up and down as he backed away about ten feet from Mike's face. The funny thing was he didn't have a watch on yet he looked at his wrist anyway. "I really must leave." I felt surges of disappointment coming from Mike's direction as he opened his eyes to find little Edwina halfway across the room. A frown covered his features.

"Oh right," he replied his voice lacking excitement. I watched as Edwina practically ran through the kitchen as fast as possible without looking inhuman. His skirts flew up a bit. Oh god. Not a pretty sight. Oh crud. He probably just heard me say that. Oh well, he knows I like to speak—er think the truth.

EPOV

I stopped real quick and shoved a business card in Mike's direction. Alice had given me it before we had left the house, and it had the title _Killer Nails_ written on it. Apparently that was where I worked. It also had the name "Edwina Honeycutt" on it, and my cell number as well with the message "If you ever want your cuticles done" handwritten on the back.

"Call me!" I yelled as the final line to my script, though I so wish he wouldn't. I quickly ran to my Volvo, hoping Mike wouldn't recognize the car, and jumped inside not even noticing the shards of glass around the car. I sped down the street as fast as possible, knowing my siblings were following on foot. I was going to be teased for this for ages. I "listened" to their response and heard, much to my dismay; all of them were singing, out loud and in their head, "Edward and Mike sitting in a tree. K-I-S-S-I-N-G. First comes love then comes marriage, then comes the baby in the baby carriage. That's not all, That's not all . . . I tried to tune out their singing and booms of laughter as I thought to myself _welcome to hell Edward . . . welcome to hell._

Once at home, I ran at vampire speed upstairs and into the bathroom. Locking the door, I took off all the jewelry and the wig. Then I grabbed a set of fresh clothes, and hopped into the shower, hoping my shame would wash off like the make up that was thick on my face.

After my shower, I walked downstairs, ready for the wrath of my siblings' bullying, and constant teasing. It was silent. _Okay, this is odd_ I thought to myself. The only person I could find was Rosalie who was sitting in a large armchair, reading some fashion magazine. I "listened" to everyone's minds and found Emmett in his room, but he was singing in his head, "That's Not My Name" by the Ting Tings. Oh god. I tuned out his mind quickly as that was one of the most annoying songs of the 21st century. I found Alice's mind not too far away from the house, and heard _Jazzy and I are going hunting_ from the woods. Okay, I could care less what they did really. Though I was still a bit suspicious about Emmett and what he was doing, and I was pretty pissed at Jasper for sending those waves of lust to Mike. Oh well, revenge will have to wait for another time, and I sat down at my piano, and proceeded to play Bella's lullaby.

**Alright. Thanks for reading the third chapter of this story. Hmm...I've always wondered if anyone ever reads these footnotes. Either way I like them. Anyways, make sure to review as always!**

**Thanks, **

**Dahlia, Evelyn, and Ava! **

**this chapter was written by me, Dal, with help from evie and ava as well.  
**


	4. A Prank Master and a Rambler

**Disclaimer:**

**Alice is who I am  
I like to hang out with my vampire fam  
I see the future all the time  
And I like to make an awesome rhyme  
Stephenie Meyer created me  
And for this I'm super-happy  
So Dahlia, Evelyn, and Ava too  
Just wrote this story, not the characters, for you  
**

_Previous (ch. 3)_

_I stopped real quick and shoved a business card in Mike's direction. Alice had given me it before we had left the house, and it had the title Killer Nails written on it. Apparently that was where I worked. It also had the name "Edwina Honeycutt" on it, and my cell number as well with the message "If you ever want your cuticles done" handwritten on the back._

"_Call me!" I yelled as the final line to my script, though I so wish he wouldn't._

MPOV

Edwina practically lunged through the door while tossing a business card over her shoulder. I was so confused but decided to let my emotions out through my diary . . . I mean private journal. **(A/N picture on profile) **My mom said that she wrote in her diary a lot as a kid. It helped get her emotions out without bothering anyone with her personal life and they wouldn't judge her. Mom gave me this pink unicorn diary last year and it's been working wonders!! I know you probably don't think it's manly but when I told her I didn't want it she started to cry and tell me how much she wanted a girl. I don't like to see my mom upset so I started to write in it and haven't regretted it since then.

5/22/09

Dear Di-Journal,

I met Edwina today and my life is complete. I didn't know I'd been missing anything in my life until she graced me with her presence. She's like a bright star that lit up my dark life and I'm blinded. **(A/N recognize this?)** She's a goddess. Anyone can see that. But I'm confused. She told me she wanted to meet up sometime but when I leaned in to make my big move she ran away. Could she not feel the same way for me? No way, I'm h-o-t, hot! I mean she said it herself I'm god's gift to the ladies. I think I'll call her today and set up a date, turn on the old Newton charm. She's the one; I can feel it.

Love,

Mike

I stayed up until the wee hours of the morning perfectly planning every little detail of our date. I talked to my mom and she told me there is nothing to worry about; fate brought us together.

EPOV

I don't know what the hell I've gotten myself into. It turns out Alice gave Mike my actual cell phone number! He has my number!! You've got to be kidding me. I know he'll call me too because Alice keeps dropping oh so subtle hints. Like "Hey, Eddie better keep your phone with you because you never know when someone important might call you up."

But that's not even the worst part. The worst part is anytime I try to throw the girly 'equipment' into the river along with my phone Alice sees it coming and with help from Jasper her husband/slave there is no way I'm going to ditch the stuff. Damn psychic powers.

The day after Mike was given my phone number he called me on the phone. What noob, he's soooo desperate. I mean come on, ever heard of the three-day rule?

Flashback

*ring, ring*

"Hello." I answer.

"Oh . . . um . . . hi . . . this is Mike, I guess this is the wrong number-"

Oh god. "Oh, no this is her father speaking. Hold on let me get her."

I fumbled my hand around the phone and called distantly "Edwina, Mike is on the phone."

Alice, Emmett, and Jasper came flying into the room a second later. Alice thought,_ "You better not screw this up Edward. _I raised my eyebrows at her. _"Or else."_ Even in her head the voice gave me shivers.

Emmett thought, _"Damn I'm good at punishments, well bro this should be a warning to you that a) you're pathetically in love with Bella and b) don't bet with me as I am the Bet Master." _He then proceeded to laugh evilly in his head but he got sidetracked and started thinking about how hot the Disney princesses were.

Jasper was singing a chorus of "Edward and Mike Sitting In a Tree" and having no desire to listen to that again I quickly blocked his mind.

"Hiya Papiya." I spoke in my sugarcoated false voice.

Alice thought, _"Excellent". _Emmett cheered, _"PRANK MASTER"_ in his head and then proceeded to the concern of how Ariel gallivanted around in a bra. Jasper's singing got louder and more enthusiastic.

"Hey sweet-thang." Mike said with an attempt at a flirty voice.

"So . . . what's up?" This was damn awkward.

"Oh, so . . . I know we never really talked because you had to leave . . ." His voice broke and he sounded nervous, what an idiot. ". . . lemonade . . . watch . . . restaurant . . . curls." He resorted to rambling on with words that had appeared in our acquaintance. It really made no sense and took a considerable amount of effort not to laugh at his pathetic attempt at wooing me.

Alice cut in, _"Now, now, be nice." _in her head.

"Quit rambling boy!" shouted a stern voice. Wait, I knew that voice. Oh my god it was his mom, Mrs. Newton! That retard had his mom helping him and listening in on our conversation on the other line. Rambling boy? Oh this was too good.

At this point Alice was in tears from laughing. Emmett was rolling on the ground and banging his fist repetitively while Jasper was holding onto a table for support with one hand and holding his stomach with another hand. Also roaring with laughter.

"Mooom!" He whined. Really . . . really? Wow . . . just wow.

"Honey, go ahead ask her." His mom urged.

"_Well, this is why Mike doesn't get second dates,"_ Jazz thought.

"Okay . . . well . . ." Wait! He was actually taking advice from his mom. If stupid was a crime this boy would get the electric chair! " . . . we talked about meeting up soon and I know this great Mexican place."

"Good food." His mom urged, was he that bad at getting girls?

"Right, so I was wondering if you wanted to come with me? And maybe go for a movie after?"

Suddenly all of their thoughts bombarded me at the same time. I started with Alice first. _"Edward, you better say yes. This is the most fun I've had in weeks and I'm not about to let you ruin that because of your stupid pride."_ I held the phone away and snorted. Her eyes narrowed and she gave me a death glare that made me visibly flinch. _"You like that shiny Volvo, Eddie? Huh? Do ya? Wouldn't want anything to happen to it would you? Anything on accident perhaps?" _I shot her a glare. This was no empty threat, Alice seemed innocent but she could give you hell if you got onto her bad side.

I moved onto Emmett. _"I know I said that you didn't have to go out with him but I changed my mind and because I'm the prank master you will obey me. Hey Edward, I was thinking of trying out your piano. _Everyone knew I did NOT like people touching my piano. _I've never played before but it's fine, I'll teach myself." _A picture of Emmett pushing down so hard on the keys he visibly broke the instrument floated to my mind. What was with all of these threats?

"_Come on, one date Edward."_ Jazz exhorted. _"You can make fun of him the entire time and the look on his face when you dump him at the end of the date will be priceless."_

I don't really think I had a choice knowing both my piano and Volvo would be ruined along with my siblings calling me chicken forever. Literally.

"Okay, sure." I sighed. No matter what this was going to end badly. I could feel it.

Emmett, Alice, and Jasper began to dance and cheer rather jubilantly. I knew Alice was excited to go shopping for 'Edwina' again.

"Great, pick you up at 4 o'clock sharp." I could hear the eagerness in his voice. I shivered. What the hell was he planning?

"Yeah, bye."

"Bye." echoed Mike and his Mom.

End Flashback

Now I spend every moment of my existence dreading the loathsome day in which I will go out with Captain horse face for lack of better words.

Anyway, on another note Emmett has been acting really weird lately. All secretive and he's sang the song 'That's Not My Name' by the Ting Tings 873 times in 62 different languages. Rose thinks it's some type of inner challenge with himself to see how many languages he can translate it into and if he can break 1000 times. I don't know what's going on but I don't think I want to.

MPOV

She said yes!! I knew she would; they can never resist the guns. I think Mom helped. Although I didn't plan on her coming in to help me she really saved my butt. I mean I thought Edwina would think me to be a momma's boy if this happened but she seemed totally cool with it. I guess all guys call their girlfriends up and ask them out with their mom's help. Believe it or not I haven't really had a lot of girlfriends. Most people think me to be a ladies man but it's just a reputation. I can't stop the people from talking.

I have this one in the bag. Just you wait.

**Yay here we have chapter four from our very own... EVIE! yay.. im excited cause i (dahlia) love this chapter. so funny. make sure to REVIEW! u know u wanna hit that little button.....**

**thanks always,**

**evie, dahlia, and ava  
**


	5. A Rental Tux and a Butterfingers

**Author's Note: Sorry to all of our wonderful readers who have been patiently waiting for this chapter. It was Dal's turn to write and after nagging and nagging her we finally decided to hold her an intervention on AIM. Ava and myself (Evie) had come up with a lot of sweet ideas in a brainstorming session (Dal wasn't there) and when we told Dal she decided she was going to wing it in third person. We warned her that she would be . . . angry if she wrote in third person but she ignored us. So being the good friends we are we decided that Ava was going to write this chapter and I was going to edit . . . behind Dal's back using all of our kick ass ideas. So Dal posted her version of chapter 5 but here's our version. THIS IS THE REAL VERSION OF CHAPTER 5!!! CHAPTER 6 WILL CONTINUE ON FROM THIS!!! Anyways enjoy!!**

**PS: Dal if you're reading this . . . oh crap. **

Chapter 5: A Rental Tux and a Butterfingers 

**Disclaimer:**

**Emmett, or to me, myself,**

**Wants to take this topic off the shelf.**

**Stephenie Meyer created me,**

**From her complicated mental tree,**

**I'm good at sports, not just a few,**

**So read this chapter made for you,**

**By Ava, Dahl and Evie as well,**

**Who hope you think this story's swell.**

**But please bear in mind as you do, **

**These are Steph Meyer's characters through and through.**

EPOV

I didn't even see the idiot yet, and I could already tell that it was going to be the worst date (and probably the worst day) of my existence. _Shoot me now_, I thought. _Oh, wait… _that won't kill me. _Damn it._

To make matters worse Emmett was trailing behind us with Alice and Jasper with a video camera of course. This was going to forever haunt me.

I waited at a bus stop for Mike to come pick me up. Or, at least I thought he was picking me up. But nooo. When he showed up (apologizing for being 30 seconds late…. wow.) there was no car in sight. But I was almost too distracted to notice. My date… *shudder*… was wearing a _tuxedo_ (for dinner at a Mexican joint and a movie… what the hell?) with a heart-shaped box of Swedish chocolates tucked under one arm, and a dozen roses in the other hand. I had to fight with every brain cell I had to not run away screaming.

MPOV

My mom was totally right. I must've looked h-o-t in that tux, because the look on Edwina's face said, _Wow, that's hot! _**(A/N: In a Paris Hilton voice)**At first I thought not being able to use the car would be a turn off, but then I figured, hey, at least I'd be a little more in _close quarters _to Edwina, if you catch my drift. It's the perfect time to work my magic.

EPOV

Did he really just think that? _"Work my magic?" _What the hell am I supposed to do with that? God help me. Oh, and Emmett, be afraid, very afraid.

"Sorry we have to take the bus," Mike said, "but my mom's still doesn't trust me with the car."

"Oh, that's… fine," I forced myself to say. Honestly, I wasn't surprised. Who would be?

"Besides, we're saving the environment!" he cheered, pumping his fist in the air. Oh Christ, he's an environment freak. That would happen.

"Yay," I replied in a flat tone.

"Here are some roses, and some chocolates."

"Thanks, Mike, that's so… er, Mike?" I asked as I opened the lid on the heart-shaped box.

"Yes, Wina?"

"Wina, damn." Emmett muttered under his breath, too quietly for human ears to pick up on. He was so dead.

I tried to shrug off the fact that he'd created a pet name for me. Wina, for God's sake. Could you make it sound more like wiener if you wanted to?

"Why are half of the wrappers in here empty?"

"Oh, er… I sort of… got hungry on the walk over here. Gotta give the guns some fuel, am I right?" he replied, flexing his bicep.

_What guns? _Emmett, Alice, and Jasper all thought at the same time.

"Yeah… sure." Not.

"Plus," he added, "I didn't want all of those chocolates to ruin your perfect complexion. And I have what the ladies call _magic skin. _Never a pimple in sight," he commented, stroking his cheek. Wow, this boy doesn't know when to stop.

"Thanks? I, er… appreciate it."

"Cool," he replied as the smelly chunk of metal that was supposed to pass as a bus pulled up, "Let's go."

He grabbed my hand (_Patience, Edward, patience) _and led me up the stairs onto the bus with my brothers and sisters in tow.

The bus smelled like a mix of urine and vomit. Come on, I know I have a keen sense of smell but can he seriously not smell that? I looked at Mike; he seemed unfazed.

"This one's on me," Mike said, pulling some change out of his pocket, "don't worry about it."

"Err… thanks," I replied as we took a seat. What a gentleman. Pshhh.

"Sure. So, are you excited to eat at Nacho Bueno?" (**A/N: If this is a real restaurant, we weren't aware of it.) **

"Yeah, I, uhm, love Mexican food." _I hate all human food. It tastes like dirt_, I thought. Mike on the other hand, was thinking _I hope all those beans don't make my digestive system act up… _Great. Just great. Another reason to tear Emmett apart and burn the pieces slowly.

I quickly glanced back at my brothers and sister to see the lens of the video camera poking out from Emmett's backpack pointed directly at Mike and I. It looked like it was off but I wouldn't have such luck.

Mike interrupted my thoughts by saying, "Awesome. What movie do you want to see? If you want to see that new sad movie about the girl whose parents and siblings all died and then she got lost at sea, we can. I have a perfect shoulder for you to cry on. Well, once I take off the tux's jacket. This baby's a rental," he said, brushing off his shoulder.

"I'd actually rather see that horror movie about the mental patient who works in the chainsaw factory, if that's okay."

"Yeah, sure. Sounds… great." _Crap_, Mike thought, _what if I get nervous and throw up on her. I mean I won't do it on purpose. Edwina's a keeper, but last time I went to see a scary movie with my mom, Attack of the Daisies, I got so nervous for little Jane I barfed on the seat in front of me, which just happened to be occupied by a really buff dude with lots of tattoos. Thanks to my years of experience of running away from bullies and my mom's help I made it out of there alive. Barely. _

Oh. My. God. The scene in Mike's head was hilarious. I started to laugh but had to turn it into a cough to cover it up.

Suddenly, a mind in the bus thought, _I'm gonna be sick_. I looked up just in time to see a dirty homeless man attempt to stumble to the front of the bus, probably aiming for the trashcan next to the driver. But the bus lurched as we turned right, and the man fell into my date's lap. As the man got back up, he tried to mutter "Sorry," but didn't have time. He gagged and tossed his lunch into Mike's lap. I tried to look sympathetic, but that lasted all of three seconds before I cracked up.

Mike stood up, and then dropped to his knees in the middle of the bus, yelling in agony, "NOOOO!! THIS WAS A RENTAL!!! AHHH!!!"

I was in hysterics, doubled over as I read his thoughts. _Mom's gonna have a hissy fit! She paid good money so I could look snazzy on my date!!! I'll have to scrape her corns for weeks to get her back to her usual happy self! Why!?!? Then again, corn-scraping is kinda fun…_

The bus made a puffing noise and abruptly stopped. The driver announced that it was out of gas. _Perfect, just perfect,_ I thought. We stepped out, and Mike attempted to shake off the hobo barf from his jacket. As I stood there waiting for him to realize that he would never get it all off that way, an elderly man stepped off the bus and walked over. He gave me a one-over, tilted his chin up, and said in a creepy voice with a Southern accent, "How you doin'?" I grabbed Mike by the elbow and yanked him inside up the street before the old man tried to "bust a move."

Emmett, Alice, and Jasper were in hysterics.

_Don't worry "Wina" we got a perfect shot of that dude puking on Mike. _Emmett thought. _That dress I put you in is so hot._ Alice thought.

_Ha ha, Mike thinks he's in love. This is too good._ Jasper thought.

"How far until Nacho Bueno?" I asked.

"About two miles or so," he replied, "I can carry you, if you want,"

Before I could even attempt to protest, Mike tied his soiled jacket around his waist, grabbed me around the middle, and hoisted me up over his shoulder. He only got about six steps before my attempts to kick him where the sun don't shine and screaming of "RAPE!!!" worked. Either that, or he was too weak to carry me any further. I think it was a combination of both, from his thoughts: _Keep going, man. Remember what your therapist said about visualizing yourself as a superhero when the going gets tough. C'mon Macho Mike!! You can do it!! You… can do it. You can… do it? You can't… do it… ugh…_

MPOV

I know Wina actually liked it when I carried her. Maybe she was worried about her dress riding up for the whole world to see. Macho Mike was okay with it; that's for sure.

EPOV

After he put me down, we walked for about another mile or so before "Macho Mike" started complaining.

"My feet hurt," he whined, "These shoes were not made for walking two miles."

"You want me to carry you?" I sneered, mocking his earlier behavior.

Apparently, Mike Newton doesn't understand sarcasm. With a running start, he leapt onto my back. Holy crap!! I know I had super strength but seriously, this dude was HEAVY! For God's sake I was wearing heals and a damn dress!!! Alice had shoved me into a yellow sundress that fell to my knees with thick white straps and a thick white border at the bottom. **(A/N: Pic on Profile!)** Just perfect for carrying a lump of lard or Mike . . . practically the same thing.

As we walked by most people's thoughts were somewhere along the lines of _Is that he-she in a dress seriously carrying that dude? Ah well, maybe the Gay Pride Parade is in town. _Although I was greeted my many strange looks and weary eyes no one dared to approach myself or Mike because of the murderous glare on my face and the muscles on my arms.

Mike was oblivious to all of the odd looks, either that or used to it, and in turn was singing _I've Got a Lovely Bunch of Coconuts_ in his head.

So I ended up carrying him the other mile until we (thank God) reached Nacho Bueno, where I "accidentally" dropped him on the sidewalk.

"Oops," I said, "Sorry. But you know me. _Butterfingers." _I spoke with a dead tone and a blank look on my face.

"No, er, that's okay," he replied, rubbing the back of his head as he sat up. "Accidents happen."

Mike was really thinking . . . _Oh my God, my head!! My god damn head! She's killed me! THE INTERNAL BLEEDING HAS BEGUN!!! I HAVEN'T KISSED A GIRL YET! I NEVER TOLD MY MOM HOW MUCH I REALLY LOVED HER! I'LL NEVER BE ABLE TO WATCH THAT OPRAH EPISODE ON TOMORROW ABOUT CHINESE BEAUTY PRODUCTS!!!! NOOOOOOOOOO!!!_

Wow, can you spell drama queen?

"Yeah, _accidents _do happen." I said with a smirk.

Then we stepped inside the dirty hole in the wall that was Nacho Bueno. It was dark and musty in there, and there were three main requirements of being a server 1) you must have more hair than the average baboon 2) you must be older than the cast of Full House, all put together and 3) you must look like a child molester. Yep, Mike fits right in. Not to mention the fact that every item on the menu had lard galore. So when Mike ordered a Mega Bean Burrito (God save us all…) and I ordered a cheese quesadilla (which I later planned to upchuck… human food = repulsive to vampires), I knew I was just in for a treat. Not.

The food arrived, after much awkward small talk and Mike attempting to hit on me. "Have you got something in your eye?" he asked. I was about to say something but he beat me to the punch. "Oh wait, it's a sparkle." Much to my dismay, lines like that continued on for the rest of the night.

When he was about half way through that huge chunk of lard with beans falling out of it, the farting began. Oh, God, the farting. For the first time in a hundred years, my eyes watered. Is that even possible? Vampires aren't supposed to cry! New life lesson: science is a bitch.

MPOV

I know my digestive system tends to be a little on the quick side, so when I started tooting it up in the middle of my dinner with Edwina, I was unsurprised. I just tried to pretend nothing had happened. She didn't seem to notice. In fact, she seemed happy. So happy, in fact, that her eyes were tearing up with tears of joy.

_Ooh_, I thought, _I hope she didn't hear that one._

EPOV

I totally heard that one. And I definitely smelled it too. That was the last straw (and the last bite of quesadilla). I got up, excused myself, and proceeded to the bathroom. After I went inside a stall, I immediately got rid of my dinner, cussing out my family in my head and thinking of 637 ways to get revenge on them. _I could burn Alice's clothes, _I thought, trying to block out all other people's mental remarks. _Or disconnect the TV. That'd get Emmett going._

When I was finished in the bathroom I made my way back to our table where Mike sat. He seemed nervous and his thoughts were confusing me. _Come on Mike just say it. She's totally into you and she needs your help. Be a man. _I swear to God if he kisses me I'll . . . but my thoughts were cut short when Mike suddenly said,

"You can tell me if you're bulimic, Wina. I can get you help," he said gently, reaching for my hand. I yanked it away.

Wait . . . what? Bulimic . . . oh _hell_ no. That bastard was listening to me in the bathroom?

"Wait, why were you listening to what I was doing in the bathroom!? What the hell were you expecting to hear!?"

MPOV

_Aw damn. _

**Author's Note: That chapter was written by the one and only Ava!! Hope ya liked it!!!!! Please review to let us know what you think!!! All of your reviews make our day!!!! Sounds corny but true. The more reviews we get the faster we'll write! Hint, hint. Wink, wink. Have a great day!**

**Love Always,**

**Evie, Ava, and Dal**


	6. YOU'VE BEEN PUNK'D!

Chapter 5 (recap)

_When I was finished in the bathroom I made my way back to our table where Mike sat. He seemed nervous and his thoughts were confusing me. __Come on Mike just say it. She's totally into you and she needs your help. Be a man. __I swear to God if he kisses me I'll . . . but my thoughts were cut short when Mike suddenly said,_

"_You can tell me if you're bulimic, Wina. I can get you help," he said gently, reaching for my hand. I yanked it away._

_Wait . . . what? Bulimic . . . oh __hell__ no. That bastard was listening to me in the bathroom?_

"_Wait, why were you listening to what I was doing in the bathroom!? What the hell were you expecting to hear!?"_

_MPOV_

_Aw damn._

Chapter 6

Warning: This chapter contains minor language and brief sexual references. It shouldn't be too bad for anyone over the age of thirteen or so.

BPOV

I glanced out the Rabbit to see the foliage of Forks zipping by. It was cold and wet but what else is new? To my left sat Jake, a stony yet resigned look masked his face. He hadn't been the sun I had known and loved this past week. Ever since his grandfather's death Jake was rather forlorn. **(A/N: I know this isn't true but it's our story.)** These days his face was lined with pain and remorse. I had been staying with Jacob for about a week now.

We pulled into the parking lot of a little shack of a place with a banner that read, GRAND OPENING above the title _Nacho Bueno_. Well that makes TWO whole restaurants in Forks!

We entered the restaurant to find that there were a lot of people inside, most people I knew from Forks High School. I glanced around; in the center of the restaurant sat Mike Newton and a rather ugly girl with a bad perm and too much make up. I'd never seen her before.

She turned he head as we entered and our eyes met. They were liquid gold. There were only seven people I knew with honey colored eyes in the Forks area. Let's see. Carlisle and Esme had better sense then to do this. Alice, no it couldn't be the "girl" (if it even was a girl) was taller than that. Rosalie, please, she wouldn't be caught dead (or whatever she is) looking like that. Emmett, was bulkier and Mike would probably be unconscious by this time. Jasper? Please be Jasper. Please.

EPOV

I. was. pissed. To say the least. Mike wouldn't drop the fact that I was bulimic. Currently, he was trying to "talk sense into me" by attempting to force me to go see a counselor.

"Look Wina I know that you want to look good for me, hanging off these guns." He brought his flexed both of his arms and kissed where there would be muscles if he had any.

_The only gun I want is pressed against my head in a vain attempt to kill myself and end this torture. _I thought.

I tuned back into Mike using all of my self-restraint not to knee Mike in the balls, hard, and walk out.

". . . pudding . . ." I cut him off.

"You still didn't answer my question. WHY THE HELL WERE YOU LISTENING TO ME IN THE BATHROOM1?"

"I couldn't be away from you Edwina. We're made for each other you and me," was his excuse. "Life without you would be like a broken pencil . . . pointless."

What the hell? Did he just relate me to a broken pencil? Wait . . . and he thinks I need counseling?

"That doesn't mean you have permission to follow me into the bathroom!" I roared.

He looked bemused. _Boyfriends don't follow their girlfriends into the bathroom? _he thought.

Oh my god. What a douche.

Suddenly, a familiar smell hit me. It burned my nose and made me want to gag and then strawberries seem to hit me and a smell so mouthwatering it took all of my strength not to dart out of there and eat that delicious human.

At this time Mike and I had fallen into an awkward silence broken only by Mike's farts and thoughts of what pick-up line he should use. Ever now and then he would throw one in there, which were sure to be followed by even more awkward silence. My personal favorites were . . .

"What has 142 teeth and holds back the incredible hulk? My zipper."

"I wish you were DSL so I could get high-speed access."

"Do you have a mirror in your pocket, because I can see myself in your pants."

Almost all of them were sexually related.

A few minutes later Bella and Jacob walked in. I growled, their arms were linked. Bella looked around the place and our eyes met. Her eyebrows shot up. Shock was etched clearly into her face. Jacob dragged her to their table a contemplating look on her face.

Before I had time to do anything about this fact Mike fumbled with something in his pocket. He pulled out a small black box. _I swear to god it he proposes_, I thought.

"Listen, Mike . . ." I had to get a few things cleared up here.

"If sexiness were a band, you would rock my world," cajoled Mike.

"Wow, um . . . I'm flattered. But . . ." I rubbed the back of my neck awkwardly.

He cut me off. "Edwina your face is the spotlight on the stage of my life. I want you to have this ring as a token of our love."

Wait . . . did he say love?

"Let's think of this as a promise ring . . . not exactly a virginity ring if you know what I'm saying." He said with a glint in his eyes while waggling his eyebrows suggestively.

I was in shock. Our first date and he was already giving me a promise ring? Oh hell no! He knelt down on the ground.

"Edwina I love you, I'll always love you." I leaped up out of my chair.

At this point we were drawing some attention from the other people in the restaurant. To the third person viewer it would look as if Mike was proposing with him kneeling down a gold ring in a small velvet box and me out of my chair.

The clapping and cheering started along with, "Go Mikey!" "YEA BOY!" and a chant of "Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it!" started up. Oh hell no! This was not happening.

I could see the phrase, "You're face is the spotlight in the stage of my life." Engraved into the ring.

"Damn Wina you need a shave." said Mike inspecting my hairy legs visible from under the dress.

That was it. I slapped Mike. Hard. A little too hard. Mike flew across the room straight into a mirror. He slowly slid down the wall, unconscious, ending with a large thump on the floor in a puddle of his own blood.

Every jaw in the restaurant was on the floor. Shock, worry, and revulsion were clear in everyone's faces.

_Damn Edward. Think Fast. Uh . . ._

"YOU'VE BEEN PUNK'D!" I yelled, dropping my sweet, sickly Edwina voice and waving my hand with emphasis. I pointed to the bushes where Emmett, Alice, and Jasper were hiding with a camera. Every head turned to look out the window. Emmett, Alice, and Jasper were there frozen to the spot. There faces were shock and Emmett's eye was twitching.

Surprisingly, Jasper was still there. Mike must have just struck up the balls to do this at the last minute, preventing Alice from seeing it coming. Even more surprisingly Jasper was fine. I searched his head for answers.

_It's okay Edward. He smells like cow manure. I'll be fine on this one._

I sniffed the air. Oh my god. Jasper was right. The kind of odor that comes when you open the door to a port-a-potty hit my nose like a dodge ball thrown by that fat, mean kid. For the second time that day my eyes were watering. Damn. This was great.

After a second or two Emmett and Alice caught on to what I was saying and began to smile. Pointing to the camera.

Thoughts suddenly flooded my mind. All of them so different yet so similar.

_Wtf, are they serious?_

_It's a guy?_

_The chicks a dude?_

_This is one surgery gone seriously wrong._

_Ha, ha! I got punk'd. I've always wanted to be on this show! _"HI MOM!" the guys said while waving to the camera.

_It's a homo_, someone thought.

"Who said that?" I asked, still in my normal voice.

_An insane homo,_ the same person thought.

BPOV

I was silent. Yep, that was definitely Edward. God I knew I shouldn't have killed that spider in the bathroom this morning. Karma is a total bitch.

I glanced down at my napkin to find Alice's familiar cursive handwriting.

**Emmett. Bet gone awry. Run while you can. Don't look back.**

**- Alice**

"Jake . . . let's go I feel sick." I said with shifty eyes holding my hands to my stomach.

He raised his eyebrows. Damn, I had always been a crappy liar.

"What does that napkin say?" he asked.

"What?" I asked in my best, frazzled tone. "What napkin?"

"That one. Right there," he gestured to my napkin.

"Oh! This! This napkin, right here?" I asked slapping my forehead with nervous fake laughter. "Yeah . . . that's my grocery list." That sounded like a lie, even to me.

He narrowed his eyes. "Then why does it say Emmett on it?"

"What! It doesn't say that!" I choked out.

"Yeah it does. Right there." He attempted to point to the word Emmett but I covered the napkin by putting my elbow on it.

"Oh! Those!" I muttered, waving my hand at an attempt of being nonchalant. "Those are Emmett pickles. Why don't we go get some?"

"Really? Then why does it say Alice?" asked Jake, not dropping the subject.

"It doesn't say that."

"Yeah, it does." He tried to grab the napkin but I picked it up and blew my nose in it.

"Bella. Why are you acting so weird?"

"BECAUSE I'M NAUSEATED!" I hollered getting up out of my chair.

I turned around to find the whole room silent and staring at me.

"WHAT!!! WHY YOU STARRING AT ME? HUH? YOU GOT A PROBLEM!! WELL!!! DO YA!!!" I shouted. My right eye unconsciously twitching and my head spazzing to the left side every other second. Suddenly I broke down into sobs and fell onto the carpet in a crumpled heap.

Damn PMS.

EPOV

_Wow_, I thought. _Perfect timing. After one hundred years of loneliness I finally find the right girl and then you turn her into a psychopath. Hell no!!!! Thanks god. This is why I'm now an official atheist. _

I heard sirens and knew that it wouldn't be long until the ambulance got here.

Mike regained consciousness just in time for the paramedics to arrive. They hoisted him up onto a gurney and began to wheel him away. I walked by him as they wheeled. When he saw me he winced and tried to edge away. I turned my laugh into a cough. A bright red handprint was evident on the side of Mike's face.

Suddenly Alice had a vision.

_An older looking businesswoman rang the door of Mike's house. Mike answered the door. _

"_Hello, I'm Ms. Jane Kelly. I work with child services. We are currently under suspicion of child abuse conducted within this household. _

_Mike's face was shocked. It looked as if some time had passed between the vision and now as the handprint was now a green, black, and blue bruise._

"_It's alright; I'm here to help you. Most kids going through what you've been suffer from trauma and lack of concentration at school too. That's probably why you're grades are the way they are. May I come in and look around."_

"_W, What?" Mike spluttered. "I'm not being abused."_

"_Then where did you get that giant bruise in the shape of a handprint on your face?" She asked raising her eyebrows. "It's okay, everything will be alright." _

_She pulled a very shocked Mike into a hug; his mouth hung open and he opened and closed it like a goldfish._

The scene returned to the Nacho Bueno. It took all of the restraint I had not to laugh out loud. No doubt Emmett would be filming that.

"Sorry Mike, it's the damn Tourettes." I said coming up with a lame excuse.

"It's alright Wina. Keep the ring, lose the virginity," he whispered before being hoisted up into the back of the paramedics van. I couldn't tell if he was winking at me or his eye was twitching from the pain. I think it was a mixture of the two.

**A/N: Thanks for reading!! Hope you enjoyed it! This chapter was written by myself, the amazing Evie! Please review and let me know your thoughts. Did you . . . like it, love it, hate it? Favorite part in the chapter? the story? Anything you want to see in upcoming chapters? We love to hear from you all. Have a great day!**

**- Evie, Dal, and Ava**


	7. A Meal Best Served Cold

Disclaimer: We don't own it.

CH. 7

EdwardPOV

I was sitting watching the news, waiting for permission from Charlie to see Bella. Apparently she was still recovering from yesterday's meltdown with her new boyfriends, Ben and Jerry. I knew I had picked a keeper.

Flipping through the channels, I skipped past Oprah, some show mocking Martha Stewart, and Cheaters. I finally settled on the local news.

"Thank you Karen," the reporter announced. "I'm coming to you live from Forks High School, home of the Spartans and the newest YouTube sensation.

"Edward Cullen, a young man from Forks, Washington stars in several videos through the channel, Edwina Central."

My jaw dropped. The reporter continued, gesturing to the school behind him.

"The channel is run by someone by the screen name of BigEm35, possibly one of Edward's schoolmates. The videos feature Edward cross dressing under the name of Edwina, and confusing a young curious man by the name of Mike as they meet various times.

"The series of videos ends sadly with Mike being taken away in an ambulance and a social worker accusing his parents of abuse. Is this the beginning of dangerous pranks, or is it the work of two genius teenagers bored with small town life? Stay tuned after the break for…"

I quickly ran over to the computer tuning out the reporter's voice.

There it was.

On the front page of YouTube, were several videos each with their own witty title and caption. They also had view numbers like 35,563,902, and 19,393,193.

Wait…. these videos have been posted for a few weeks…..

Emmett was dead meat.

* * *

BPOV

"It's okay Mr. Sparkles, Edward is fine. He was probably just under the influence of Jasper… yes… that it…" I sat in the fetal position in the middle of my bed, holding my stuffed unicorn.

I was still confused from yesterday's little… incident. And none of the Cullens had come over to explain anything. I was being left in the dark, with Mr. Sparkles as my only guide through the terrible darkness.

* * *

EdwardPOV

"Damn it!" I cursed. I wasn't allowed over at Bella's yet, and Emmett wasn't answering his phone. Dang, he was smart.

I had tried calling Rosalie but I got her voicemail. Neither of them was answering and I was pretty darn suspicious…

Trying to sort out my problems, I walked outside into the cold frigid air. The orange and red leaves swirled around me as a gust of wind followed the river. I watched as a small squirrel threw acorns and such at another squirrel on the ground. This game of theirs continued for several minutes.

I was particularly thirsty, not that there was enough blood in those little creatures, but they did give me an idea.

Revenge.

* * *

RPOV

I was still slightly confused as to why Emmett and I had taken a spur of the moment vacation. Either way, I didn't care. Anything was better than the mediocre life we had in Forks. Mexico was awfully sunny, but it was a private beach…

EdwardPOV

Revenge was sweet. It almost reminded me of deer blood… or Bella. Whichever it was, I enjoyed it far more than necessary. My revenge you ask? A wicked video response to Emmett's Edwina Channel.

My own channel was set as a response, but I only had one video. One simple pretty video. But it was the best. The very best.

I had been taking pictures of Emmett's weekly tea parties, ever since he drove my Volvo without permission. It had been Alice's idea, her stating that it was for future blackmail. Now here I was, using the photos for a different, but equally important reason.

Emmett's tea parties were supposed to be "private" and normally they were taken to when he had the house to himself, but as sneaky as he was, he wasn't one the check on that detail.

I had acquired pictures of him hugging care bears, drinking tea of a children's ceramic tea cup (complete with a matching kettle, saucers, and cream and sugar bowls), talking to various dolls of various sizes and materials, pretending to eat a dish of plastic scones, and my personal favorite was of him wearing a ridiculous pink hat. Classic.

The pictures had been taken from afar, either using the zoom setting, or sitting in one of the neighboring trees. Emmett was pretty much oblivious.

Precious as the evidence was, I carefully arranged the pictures into a pink powerpoint, save best for last of course. The pink hat photo in this case. I was using my new software, recently received for Christmas from the devil himself. If only he knew of it's current use…

***

As I finished my beautiful masterpiece, I titled it "The Creator of Edwina Central" and added some sparkled and pink crap. Along with some silly kid's song about elephants and grasshoppers playing in the background, my revenge was almost complete.

The final step, I posted the video around noon. I was in the middle of my victory dance when the doorbell interrupted me. Hmm… I hadn't even noticed the human scent. Yet there were no thoughts present. Bella, I thought.

"Hey there" she exclaimed as I opened the door. "I missed you."

"As did I you." I was quite happy that her little meltdown had ended in time for her to bathe in my victory as well.

I led her into the living room (funny name isn't it to a bunch of vampires?) and told her of my payback, and the events that had occurred during the past few days. By then end of my little spiel she was starting to freak me out with the smile on her face that seemed to be growing an inch each minute.

"I love your plan," she said after I had finished. "Alice always knows what's coming next, you know."

"That she does. She has awfully good ideas— well most of the time that is."

"Did you know she was the one who conspired against you last week in the Great Mayonnaise Incident?

"That was her?" I asked, a look of shock spreading across my face.

She just grinned. "Yep."

***

EmPOV

I sat in the hotel room while Rosie was outside "tanning". How in the world does a vampire tan?

Refocusing my attention to the tv in front of me, I turned to the news, trying to test my expansive knowledge of the Spanish language. I was only able to catch the words "casa" and "Forks". The latter of which happened to be in English. Damn. Major fail for the Emmster.

But then the reporter starting showing screenshots of _my_ youtube channel! omg! I was on the news!! I didn't care that it was foreign reports, I just started shouting loudly, celebrated my celebrity, knowing that Rose could hear me from outside. I heard her snort.

But my excitement soon dissipated as I saw pictures of my special me time flash across the screen. How did someone get those photos? I must've been too occupied with Sally the doll and Funshine Bear. Darn Edward for being sneaky.

"Rosie!" I called out. "We're going home!" And I ran to the armoire, immediately packing my dolls and care bears.

***

A/N: Sooooo… it's Dahlia here and she's awfully sorry for the five month long wait. It's entirely her fault, but unfortunately she doesn't have an excuse. She was threatened into writing this.

Either way, hope you enjoyed the latest from MESIT, and remember to review!

p.s. we don't own Youtube, Care Bears, or anything else familiar to the public eye used in the chapter.


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